After reading my medical records, I had a doctor ask me how many times I’ve seen the light. I haven’t shared this with more than a handful of people, but I have seen it once.
In March of 2018, 5 weeks after Kiera was born, I was back and forth to the hospital and knew something was very wrong. I also knew that I had just lost my daughter so I wasn’t sure how I was supposed to be feeling, besides empty and numb. I was very tired, weak, had an insanely rapid heartrate and trouble breathing. I figured this all came with the territory. I had been googling how to stop severe hemorrhaging and acupuncture kept coming up, so that’s when I decided to try it. I believe my acupuncturist saved my life. The bleeding subsided enough for me to go to my postpartum exam in NYC. Keep in mind, I had delivered in Boston, so my NY doctors didn’t know all the specific details of my delivery. My maternal fetal medicine (high risk) doctor, who had been monitoring my pregnancy after Kiera’s diagnosis, took one look at me and knew something was majorly wrong. She did an ultrasound in the office and freaked that I had placenta retention, which my ER visits had missed. She scheduled a D&C but it couldn’t be considered an emergency at that time since I stopped actively bleeding, thanks to two days of acupuncture. She took more bloodwork and sent me home.
Since my surgery was scheduled for later in the week, Ryan and I made plans to visit my parents in Montauk the next day just to try to escape and get some peace in between all the doctor calls.
The next morning, as we were packing for Montauk, I told Ryan about the dream I had last night. His response was “I don’t like that at all.”
I was in my childhood house that I grew up in, looking out the front window. Everything was as it should be, except there was a bright white light. Through it, I could vaguely see an arch and a beautiful landscape of flowers. I felt such peace. Ryan was standing behind me and I pointed at the light and said “It’s beautiful. Can you come with me? Kiera is there… I’m going to go!” I looked back at him and he had the saddest look with tears rolling down his face and was just shaking his head no. Then I woke up.
We arrived in Montauk later that day and had just pulled up to a café to meet my mom for lunch. She now says she was horrified when she saw me. I was pale as a ghost and had lifeless eyes. Within five minutes, my doctor called me completely frantic saying I needed to get to a hospital immediately. She had just gotten my bloodwork back from yesterday and I was in critical condition. I needed blood immediately. Me, my mom and Ryan got in the car and drove right back to NYU. It was a 4 hour drive on a good day, this was a Friday afternoon approaching rush hour. My doctor said if we were to get into an accident and I lost an ounce of blood, I’d be dead. She also didn’t know if my heart could last 4 more hours without any blood in my body so she asked if I could be airlifted back to NYC. That was the longest, most silent car ride of our lives as I quietly prayed and chugged Gatorade the whole way.
I remember that dream and the light so clearly. I now know that at that moment I was given a choice, and I’m so blessed for that. If it weren’t for that heartbroken look in Ryan’s eyes when I told him I was leaving, I may have made a different choice that night. Ryan’s love and the grace of God are the main reasons as to why I’m still here. I think this is very important to share because that dream is why I choose faith over fear.
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