About two months after Bailey was born, we heard that the wait for a surrogate match was incredibly long. This is due to the increased popularity and demand of surrogacy, the end of covid, and the legalization of surrogacy in New York. We scheduled a call with our agency to ask the timeline, knowing that we wanted to try for another baby. We were quoted 12-18 months just to find a match. We signed on board.
Our agency reached out about two weeks later. They had a potential match. We asked what happened to their estimated timeline? This woman had been working with a previous couple and unfortunately had two failed embryo transfers. Of course this concerned us, but without revealing too much medical history, our agency and doctor said that they sadly believed it was the quality of the embryos. We had a zoom call with this potential surrogate and she was wonderful, with a very touching story.
Her dad remarried when she was young and he and his wife had a daughter through IVF. A few years later, her parents decided to transfer the two remaining embryos, and her stepmom became preganant with twin girls. During delivery, she tragically had a brain aneurysm rupture, and it was too late to save the babies. Her step mother and baby sisters all lost their lives. She moved in with her dad as a young teen to help raise her little sister. She promised God that she was going to help provide life one day. We all felt right for eachother.
We decided that since this was way ahead of our timeline, we were going to push off the transfer for at least six months. She was ok with waiting. We also decided with our doctor that given the previous failed transfers, we'd do a mock cycle and have a biopsy on her uterus. She was ok with that too. The lab had an error, which was a less than 2% chance of happening, and we had to repeat the cycle and the testing. She stuck with us and kept her faith and positive attitude through it all. We were now into this relationship for almost a year. In March, we finally had the transfer day. Ryan and I went to Connecticuit, which is where our embryos are stored (reminder that surrogacy was illegal in NY when we started this process a few years ago). We had lunch with our surrogate, her wonderful mom and very sweet son. Ryan and I cracked jokes and kept it light in the procedure room. This was not our first rodeo trying to get another woman pregnant, as weird as that sounds. Nine days later, on Easter weekend, we received the exciting news that she was pregnant and her hormone levels were looking great. We nicknamed this baby "Peach" because our surrogate was from Georgia. We had an ultrasound each week from early on, and Peach had a strong heartbeat for several weeks. I dreamed of having a Thankgiving baby, Christmas photos with a new addition, and another winter maternity leave nesting with my three children.
I was at work in a meeting one Tuesday morning when she was having our 10 week ultrasound. An hour or so went by and I started to panic. We always heard from her right away. I grabbed my phone and wallet and went outside to text her. No answer. I called, no answer. She called me back a few minutes later. "Hi, how are you?" I asked. She said "Pretty good, how are you?" I told her that I was very stressed since I hadn't heard from her which made me think it was not good news. "They couldn't find the heartbeat." she said. "Oh... Um. Are you ok?" I asked while holding back hysterics. "I'm ok, work gave me the rest of the day off to try and relax" she said. All I kept thinking was how is this happening? I couldn't hide the lump in my throat anymore. "I have to go. I have to process this and I'm outside of work. I hope you get some rest. Also, this isn't your fault." There they were again. I've found myself saying those words over and over throughout the years. It's not your fault. My heart broke for her too.
No one should ever receive the news that your baby's heart stopped beating, but it's sadly more common than realized. The first time I heard those words after Kiera died, I didn't know if I would survive. And I almost didn't. When I heard the words again about little Peach, I felt like the universe was trying to break me. I called Ryan hysterical, and then my mom, which is how it goes when I have traumatic news to share. I then walked around NYC feeling completely lost while ugly crying and wearing my heart on my sleeve, literally. I didn't accept the tissues that a few good samaritans offered.
I'm acutely aware of how blessed and lucky we are to have Rory and Bailey. But losing Peach opened a lot of old wounds for both me and Ryan. Although very different circumstances, this loss brought out the PTSD of losing Kiera. More shattered dreams, more conversations of loss and surgeries, and more heartache. I'm a realistic person and I've learned that literally anything can happen. Wishfully thinking, I felt that after all we've been through in this part of our lives, things would go smoothly through this process.
I finally went home carrying my minimal belongings and allowed myself to grieve for the rest of the afternoon. I hugged my babies tighter than ever that night. The next morning, I got extra dressed up for work and brushed myself off. I've had plenty of experience with putting on a brave face in public. We've gotten through worse, we will get through this. I spent any free time I had in between work meetings by calling and emailing our doctors and agency. When will our surrogate have her surgery? How do we make sure she gets through this? What's next and how do we move forward? Part of me wondered if I should slow down and take more time to think and feel it all. Then my subconscious kicked in and this is what I heard: 'No, don't slow down. You excel at this speed. Beast mode, as you like to call it, is when you thrive. Pick yourself up and persevere. You are so fortunate in so many areas of your life, but this part of your life is your test. Keep your head up, keep your faith, and push through it.' So that is what I planned to do. I also realize that since I am not carrying my babies, this is the only control that I have. I can manage every one involved in the process to try and keep things on track, and I can make decisions, but that's it.
We had only told our parents about Peach and were hoping to tell our families and close friends soon. Instead, we had to share the sad news. I found myself routinely saying "It's ok. We're ok. We're so lucky to have Rory and Bay." That is true, but I had to remind myself or be reminded by others that it's ok to feel sad. Which I was, but I had felt secretely sad for three and a half years after Kiera died and before Rory was born. I have so much joy in my life now that I didn't want sadness to creep too far in. I still believe that everything happens for a reason, and now we have Peach and Kiera tag teaming together to help us navigate our wild lives.
Our surrogate had a D&C the day after Mother's day. I was sitting at my desk thinking about that process. She was having a surgery to remove my baby. I nearly passed out. It's so complicated. I had to discipline my mind to not go down any dark roads. Judging by my sweaty palms and the stars I was seeing, it's not healthy to think about it.
Sadly, we had to break our contract with her because she was not medically cleared to move forward again. I agreed with that decision, but besides mourning the loss of Peach, I was mourning the energy and love that we put into curating a relationship with her for over a year. I also know how badly she was hurting. She is an amazing woman and we'll always be grateful for her courage and generous heart.
A few days after her surgery, I had a close friend's 40th birthday celebration of tennis and rose. It was a blast, but I did too many drill sprints, ate too little, and had a bit too much rose. I then went to a friend's house afterwards for a glass of wine, because in true Jan fashion, Wine Not?
I ubered home and woke up the next morning, which was a Friday, in a complete panic. I had on my engagement ring and the other rings I had been wearing, but no wedding band. I frantically searched through the large duffle bag I had been carrying which had my work clothes, tennis clothes, laptop, etc. I tore apart my bed and apartment, made many calls to Uber and the country club, and searched outside. It was gone. I tried my best to keep it from Ryan because I knew he had a stressful day of work calls. On top of that, we had a call scheduled with our surrogacy doctor to talk about plans to move forward. He informed us that surrogacy has become even more complicated now with all of the controversy surrounding Roe vs. Wade, changing legistature and the fear that many surrogates have regarding the legal aspect of the process. It was a helpful but overwhelming conversation, and all I could feel was the empty gap on my ring finger.
When we hung up, I broke down. This was all too much. Ryan hugged me and assured me that we'd figure it out. I said "I know, but I also lost my wedding ring." His face was pure sadness and disappointment, but as usual, he said the right things. They didn't make me feel better. Later that day, I decided that I already let down my husband, so I had to go grocery shopping as to not starve my kids. I put a bunch of empty grocery bags around my shoulder and carried out two empty Poland Spring jugs to return. I looked like a bag lady, wallowing in my self pity and shame. I crossed the street to walk to our garage and heard a voice in my head. It was telling me to turn around and look under the car diagonally across the street. It felt like a cruel joke. I heard it again. So I turned around and stepped back. I saw something shiny directly under the center of the car. I thought, this is where the story gets even more interesting. I will now get run over while laying in the middle of the street, feeling around under a stranger's car. Then I felt it. I had my ring in my fingers and I couldn't stop shaking. I left everything on the sidewalk and ran inside to show Ryan. He had a look of disbelief and confusion. I tried telling him what happened but all I kept saying was that a voice told me! Now he thought I lost my mind, but he examined the ring and there was not a scratch on it. We both could finally breathe. I then shared the excitement with our nanny, who said "If I didn't witness them myself, I'd never believe the miracles that occur in this household."
When sharing this ring story, I've had a few people ask who I think the voice was. I'd like to believe it was Kiera helping her desperate mama, or any of our grandparents that I prayed to. But the truth is, I don't think it matters. What matters is that the honest begging and hard praying that I did worked. My prayer was answered.
It's likely that it fell off when I was getting out of the uber the night before, because I do play with my rings often (a habit that I'm consciously trying to break). It probably then got pushed around. The car that it was under had temporary plates, with the expiration date in large font, which had expired a week prior. Hoboken tows cars all day long, but this car that was protecting my ring like a glove, was somehow untouched. Ryan had later told me that only I could correlate losing my ring after a fun night out with God having my back. It is true. Whenever I find myself in despair, God reveleas himself in the strangest ways. Even after a bit too much rose. This was a message to me that he knew we needed and deserved a break after losing Peach, and everything would be okay.
Over the last six years, Ryan and I have experienced nearly every circumstance possible on our journey to parenthood. Many of these are rare, but we've been told by professionals that combined all together, our story is unheard of. I carried, delivered and lost our first infant. I then nearly died, several times. We did multiple medicated rounds of IUI and IVF. We've had two separate sucessful and amazing surrogacy journies. Our fourth pregnancy resulted in a miscarraige via surrogate. We had to also go through the emotional and legal strain of breaking our match with this special woman. Our agency, which is one of the largest in the world, told us that they don't believe they've had a couple use three different surrogates before. We are now on the pursuit of finding our fourth.
We have been put on the road less traveled, with unprescedented twists and turns. It has been heartwrenching and exhausting, but beautiful and so fulfilling. We are not at the end of it. I trust we will be guided right where we belong, with some extra help from above.
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