After we lost Kiera, I swore I wanted ten more kids. I was so excited about having a girl so it's only natural that I wondered if this was our only chance of having a daughter, and now she was gone.
Fast forward several trying years, I was beyond thrilled to be having a baby boy on the way. I was also looking forward to it being a new and different experience. However, now having known how long the surrogacy process would take from the search of matching with a surrogate until delivery, we decided to sign on with our agency for a "sibling journey" before Rory was even born. One step closer to my ten more kids. Rory was due in September 2021 and we signed the contract that June, with the expectation of being presented a surrogate match in about nine months.
Rory kept us on our toes, as he still does, and surprised us in August, five weeks early. Ryan and I were in the NICU the day after he was born, and received another surprise via email from the agency. They knew that our son was born less than 24 hours ago, and they knew this timing was crazy, but the matching team found a potential second surrogate for us . The policy, which we were already familiar with, is that we have 24 hours to review her profile and decide if we want to meet her. She had already seen our profile and wanted to move forward with a meeting. Once the initial "WTF is going on?!" wore off, I immediately proclaimed "It's Kiera! She's orchestrating all of this. She wants Rory to have a sibling in less than a year!" And then..
Ryan and I each read the profile on our phones next to Rory's NICU crib. I read it slightly faster than Ryan, as I usually do. I claim that I get the gist of things and can just skim. I had also been in a wacky mindset and figured it was already meant to be. Ryan says that I just move too fast and don't pay attention to details. Both are probably true. There were a few very questionable things in the profile, but there was one detail that I did not miss. It said that her and her husband enjoy bringing third parties into the bedroom. This is a proper way of describing swingers. To each their own of course, but not when you're carrying our baby! We adhered to the policy of giving immediate notification, and had a call with the agency while sitting on a curb in the North Carolina hospital parking lot. Ryan cut right to the chase, which is usually my role. "Is this normal?" he asked. "Is this what most of your surrogates do?" Needless to say, the answer was No and our coordinater was horrified that she even had to send this profile to us. I'm sure this woman and her husband were wonderful people, but I can't imagine laying in bed for 9 months worrying about what extracurricular activities my unborn baby was exposed to. So it seems, Kiera was playing a practical joke on us and provided another good story to laugh about.
Our trusted agency redeemed themselves and presented us with Katie and Parker's profile in January 2022. Idaho seemed so far and unfamiliar, but they seemed so perfect for us. They had four of their own adorable kids, a happy marraige, and loved sports and outdoor activities. We met with them over zoom and it immediately felt right. We loved their snowboard loving, chill personalities. We found out that they had also turned down a couple before us. We felt comfortable enough to share the swinger story. We all enjoyed a good laugh and they ensured us that they would provide a safe and healthy environment for our future child.
Katie and Parker came that March for Katie's official physical at our fertility clinic and we all hit it off in person. We enjoyed a fun day in Hoboken showing them around our town, which they loved. They stayed in a hotel in Times Square, which was my recomendation since it was Parker's first time to NYC. When we asked what he thought of the big city, he politely said "It smells like piss and weed." We had to agree with him. Katie passed her physical with flying colors and came back in May for the embryo transfer. This time, she brought her incredibly lovely best friend while Parker was home in Idaho with the kids. We found it very funny that Katie felt the need to tell us that this was truly a friend, and not a girlfriend. The swinger story had an impact on her. After the transfer, we all went out to dinner and then Katie had a two day trek back to Idaho with numerous flight delays. It is surreal to say to someone "Bye! Safe Travels! I hope you become pregnant with my baby."
Two weeks later, it was confirmed that Katie was in fact pregnant with our baby. This time, we already knew it was a girl. My creative mom nick named this baby girl "Tater Tot" after Idaho Potatoes. Our relationshiop with Katie and Parker continued to grow. We had fun conversations via group text and joined Katie's doctor appointments via Facetime. Our admiration for them also grew. They were raising four great kids, Parker was coaching all sport teams on top of his long work hours, and Katie also had a full time job. Since that wasn't enough, Katie was finishing her Master's Degree and then threw surrogacy on top of it all. We were in awe of how they did it all with such grace.
People often asked how I felt about having another girl on the way. The truth is, I felt pretty numb for a while. I don’t think I let myself think about having another daughter in order to protect myself. I remember early on in the pregnancy telling my mom what Tater Tot’s name would possibly be. A week or so later, she told me that she prays for “Bailey” every night. I snapped at her and said “Don’t ever use that name! Not until she’s here. We call her Tater Tot. If we lose her, Bailey is another name that I love and then we can’t use.” She apologized and then I realized that my PTSD had kicked in. That’s one of the few times that I acted worked up throughout this journey. I didn’t have much of a need to get worked up. Katie and Tater Tot were physically doing great, Katie was an awesome communicator and empathetic to our past experiences. Of course there would be certain triggers to cause stress and anxiety. Having zero control while your baby is across the country is far from easy, but it was as perfect of an experience as it could be.
Ryan and I spent a mini vacation in Park City, Utah and then drove to Idaho Falls to be at Tater's 20 week anatomy scan. That is when it really started to feel real. Katie's parents hosted a beautiful bbq/mini shower for us which was so heart warming. Her family loved meeting us as much as we loved meeting all of them. Katie told us afterwards that they now understood why she wanted to make this sacrafice for us, which made us very happy to hear.
A few weeks before Tater's due date, I went to our storage unit and took out all of the washed but unworn baby girl clothes, blankets and stuffed animals that we had for Kiera. I layed it all out and chose what to keep or donate. It was so bittersweet. I was excited to finally be using it after 5 long years. But it also brought up memories and emotions of anticipating Kiera's arrival. There were visions and plans that I had with Kiera that never came to fruition. I focused instead on the joy of having her new baby sister fulfil those dreams of mine.
The logistics of traveling across country to wait for our baby, with our 17 month old son, was one of the most challenging parts of this. I had a few mini tantrums as the due date approached in which I'd tell Ryan that I'm booking a flight and going to Idaho tomorrow! We had missed Rory's birth and missing this one too was one of my greatest fears.
We spent two and a half weeks in Idaho in January and rather than it being a challenge, it was one of our most cherished trips. Ryan, Rory and I made memories in the snow and in an absolutely adorable cottage which we called our home. We were then joined by my mom and Ryan's parents. We took adventurous day trips, cooked fun dinners, drank lots of wine and stayed distracted.
The morning that Katie was being induced, I felt paralyzed. I had a giant knot in my stomach, my chest felt like I couldn't breathe and I felt completely on edge. I was on the verge of tears if anyone looked at me. It all hit me that my daughter will be born today and I can't do anything, except watch. I put on a brave smile and we drove to the hospital. Ryan and I hung in the hospital room with Katie and Parker all day waiting for some action. I expected it to feel awkward and tense given the unusual circumstances, but they made it so comfortable. They were both abnormally calm but they later told us that all four of their own kids' deliveries were calm and uneventful. They were blessed to not know anything else, but Ryan and I only knew trauma. Katie's mom is the ICU coordinator at the hospital so she was on duty and would come in and check on all of us.
Katie went from 4 cm to 8 cm in about 45 minutes. Then she went to 10 cm in less time than that. She casually asked "Is it go time?" The nurses hurried to get her absolutely awesome doctor in and told Katie not to even sneeze. Katie's babies were all close to 10 lbs and Tater Tot was measuring around 6 lbs, so this should be quick. Katie instructed us to all get into our pre-designated positions. Her mom would stand behind her to take pictures, Parker would be beside her, Ryan would be in the back corner of the room to prevent him from passing out, and I'd stay on the side of her leg. I wasn't sure how much I wanted to see. It turns out, I had no choice. The wild nurse pushed me next to the doctor yelling "Get in there Mom! This is your baby! Bring her into this world!" She instructed me to help push Katie's legs. One and a half pushes, and out came Tater Tot, bunjee jumping with the umbilical cord wrapped tightly around her neck, twice. I went numb again, and the doctor sprung into action. Before I knew it, I had my hands all over my screaming baby girl and had just witnessed the truest miracle of life. I turned to the doctor and said "Is she OK?" She responded with a big smile and a tear in her eye, "She's perfect."
Bailey Catherine Hayes was born on January 23rd, 2023 at 6:28pm (MT) weighing 6 lbs, 6 oz and 19.5 inches long. I followed the nurses to do Bailey's checkup and then held her in the corner of the room for skin to skin. Ryan and I facetimed our parents who were at our cottage, and we all cried. Our moms rushed to the hospital to meet Bailey while Ryan's dad stayed home with Rory. This was a new experience for us because we weren't allowed any visitors during our 5 day NICU stay in North Carolina with Rory, and Kiera was already fighting for her life when our parents met her in Boston. We were all holding and loving on our healthy baby girl, and the world felt so right.
Unfortunately, Katie had lost a lot of blood after delivery and needed two blood transfusions. This was so ironic because that is the main reason why I didn't deliver Tater Tot myself. Katie joked that I rubed off on her, and she and Parker continued to have the best attitude while Katie recovered. Katie's sweet mom came to visit us in our room two days later, before we were discharged. She brought us a beautiful quilt she made for Bailey. She also told us that she was so nervous to be in the delivery room, although she looked cool as could be to us. She was afraid it was going to seem like her daughter was giving her baby away. She said that she often asked Katie how she was doing emotionally throughout the pregnancy, and Katie would say "Fine. It's not my baby. I'm doing this for Jan and Ryan." Her mom said that witnessing Katie deliver, and watching Katie watch my face and even rub my arm, put her heart at ease. Her daughter truly was doing one of the most selfless acts one can do, and loved every minute of it. I've realized more and more how wildly complex surrogacy is, for everyone involved. Each person has their own story.
We've been home with Bailey now for three months. She truly is one of the most smiley babies I've ever seen. When I look in her eyes, I know that she was chosen and meant to be ours. She often looks up and giggles at seeminly nothing, which is what Rory did too. Her big sister is playing with her, protecting her and making Ryan and I feel like the luckiest parents in the world. We have two beautiful babies and a special Angel who is putting all of our gifts in place, even if we have to travel across the country for them. I don't know if we will hit my quota of having ten more kids after Kiera, actually I'm sure we won't. But my heart is so full from the two that are currently in my arms.
Yorumlar