I’ve heard that phrase a lot over the last few years and I know it’s true. For anyone reading this that needs to hear it, please believe it. Ryan and I have been told by our doctors that statistically, our whole story is one in ten million.
We received Kiera’s diagnosis during a routine ultrasound in the 3rd trimester. The doctor had us in her office while she explained what Vein of Galen Malformation is. I immediately started to ask how?...why?...and she interjected with “It’s not your fault.” It’s a one in three million fluke with no known cause and it’s not genetic. Of course I had to spend hours a day researching, just in case google knew something that the best doctors in the world that we had consultations with, didn’t yet know.
Five weeks after delivery, I was rushed to the hospital and told my hemorrhaging was normal post partum. A few days later, I was rushed back with a hemoglobin below 5 and a hematocrit of 17. The ER doctor asked if I was a pilot or an Olympic athlete because he said he’s never seen a heart sustain that much blood loss. This, I thought is a piece of cake for my heart compared to what else it is feeling!
I received emergency blood transfusions totaling 6 pints, which needed to replenish my entire body’s blood supply. I had emergency surgery to reveal that I had the very rare placenta accreta (also known as what Kim Kardashian had). I’ll spare the awful details but I spent nearly a week in the ICU while being told “It’s Not Your Fault” and still mourning the recent loss of my daughter. My bleeding disorder is a missing clotting factor that is in the family of hemophilia; less than 1% of the world’s population has it. That’s not my fault either.
Over the next couple of years, we tried to conceive naturally and didn’t understand why it wasn’t happening so easily like it did with Kiera. I went through countless tests but it took 2 years to determine that I had scar tissue caused by the placenta accreta, which was making it impossible to get pregnant again. I needed multiple surgeries, all which caused serious bleeding complications, to fix this issue. Two of these surgeries even had to be done by a specialist in Boston, of all places, which brought back major PTSD for both of us.
Before we learned what was causing infertility, I tried everything in my control, thinking I actually had control. I read books on fertility, read about what foods to eat, exercises to do, specific types of acupuncture, you name it. Everyone suffering infertility knows exactly what I’m talking about. But here is the frustrating part, there is very limited amount you can control, and it’s not your fault.
There is an ironic twist to this all. We were sitting in the boardroom in Boston with our parents, doctors and surgeons after Kiera had the brain bleed during surgery. The head pediatric neurosurgeon, who we went to Boston for, was describing what went wrong while showing images and fighting back tears, or the urge to run away. I didn’t hear any of what he said, but I looked up at one point and interrupted him by saying “It’s not your fault.” I don’t remember his response because I couldn’t look up for too long, but I’ve heard that he just stared back in shock. I’m sure he feels the emotional wrath of most parents and understandably so. Ryan and I wrote him an email several days later thanking him for being so gracious and telling him that only God controls these outcomes. The world needs him to keep trying to save other babies’ lives. Our parents wrote him similar emails. He responded to me and Ryan with a lengthy, beautiful, heartfelt note. We will always be eternally grateful for the love, strength and support that the doctors, nurses and our parents gave that day. Our parents not only had to say goodbye to their grandbaby. They had to watch a piece of their babies die too.
The lesson here is that it is our nature to want to control or feel like we have control, which is not always the case. “Letting Go” is something I’m trying to get better at every day during our surrogacy journey. It’s not at all easy having another woman, no matter how amazing she is, carry your baby; especially so far away. Yet you have to surrender and trust. I believe there is a plan and I was fortunate to experience pregnancy with Kiera. She helped save my life and lead us to a safer way for Ryan and I to have more of our own children. We can’t wait to make our angel baby super proud of her Mom and Dad.
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